Strength or Weakness is a State of Mind


Got discharged from the hospital recently , from the damn hospital. a place i don’t like. a place where i don’t belong.was in the hospital and no one knows about it except a few.because i was not ready to tell anyone that i was weak and i was in the hospital to get treatment and to get my body back again. my state of mind is strong and was strong when i was there but my body was weak and not strong enough to carry strong mind.i tried , i tried really hard to get over this weak body but body is a body , i am human , no matter how strong i feel from inside if my body is not ready , i am not ready either.

I am glad that i only spend a day in the hospital and it was enough for me to get my spirits back again. in high spirits as ever a always. never a moment i have let bad things around for long. always have got rid of them quickly. very important for me not to get effected by bad things which violates the rules of my system and poison me from inside. very important for me to fight this world which is hostile at the same time lovely, its a tricky place to live in. you need to be smart and you need to be strong. the moment you show weakness you are gone, bad will over power you.

When i was in the hospital , all is saw was misery pain and sorrow, crying people, people in pain. this is the kind of environment i have always avoided. i never wanted to be a part of this but i had become such that i had to get admitted to the was tough for me to stay positive when i really thought that my life is almost over now, when i thought that my days are numbered. but something in me kept me going, something in me encouraged to stay alive because i had to live, i had to live for myself and for those i love. i am not alone in this world i have people connected to me , i die they get affected too. i can’t let anyone pay for my weakness, i can’t let anyone pay for my sorry. i can’t do that , i just can’t , i had to live and i had to open my eyes. i did open my eyes. i was alive and i was ready for the challenge again and i was ready for it head on. i was ready to tell tough that i am tough enough for you. you tough no more than me, no way.

I was back and i was ready to walk again , i walked out of hospital , went to the gym and once again i was all by myself fighting the way i have fought this far.

My state of mind was positive strong and tough at the same time it was kind humble and down to earth. i was not feeling weakness anymore though my body was but my state of mind helped me to come out of this illusion that this world is only for you. this world is not for you , you have to fight it out to make it your own.


Map of His Brain


I see him every day , he is there , right next to the parking lot , lost in his own game. listening to something on his I pod , probably music. I also see a group of people watching him closely , some even laughing at him . some making gestures at him and why not ? he even danced and do steps in the parking lot next to cars , he looks himself in the mirror sometimes and he tries to act like Michael Jackson. he does his steps if not perfectly but with confidence. he is a strange man , I don’t know why he is like this but he is like this and now everyone talks about him , everyone looks at him , he is famous for his unusual ways.

This is my colleague at my work place. he is been center of attraction for quite some time now and he always invites people due to his ways . he is  not abnormal , he is not wired , he is normal man ,he talks alright but he is isolated , he only talks when he needs to otherwise he is always alone with his music which he listens interaction started with him when he came to the pool table few months ago and I was  looking for a partner to play the game with . we were already three and needed one to make four for the team of two , I got him in my team . we played the game normally but unlike my opponents he was not talking to me and neither he was taking my advice on how to play the ball on the pool table. he was lost in his own world and he was only playing his game. it seemed he never wanted my support and my encouragement , he was playing the way he would play alone. yes he played that game alone and won it single handedly , I contributed my bit in win but he was the man who won the game for our team. after the game he did not even shake hands with us and left without even saying a word. it was strange.

brain    In the evening I found him at the parking lot where we had our cars parked . I saw him listening to music and again he was alone . in the evening everyone gets together for normal chit chat before each one of us leaves for home . but this man , this guy was alone he was not talking to anyone and he was there under  the tree right next the wall looking at people from distance. I watched him and I looked at him , I decided I will go and talk to him but may be today is not the day ,may be tomorrow may be another day ,but I will.

Next morning I reached office little early I knew that he comes early at work ,before everyone steps in the office he is always there at work before everyone else. why ? I don’t know . may be he lives near by , or may be he loves his work little too much . I know I will never marry to my work since there are things which are more important to me than just my work. its my way of looking at things. some people are just too much dedicated to their jobs ,its good but I don’t really advocate this since to me there are things which are more important and I give them more priority and it makes me happy and gives me satisfaction. for this guy may be work is his top most priority which makes him reach office early. I am not sure about it but that’s what it seems like. anyway , since I knew that he comes to work early I too came early that day. I did find him in the cafeteria and not to my surprise he was alone again with his head phones ,listening to music . the place he choose to sit was also eye catching but not surprising . he chose to sit in the corner , a seat which was only for one person. he was in the dark as light on top of him was switched off. he decided not to light that the dark he was enjoying his music ,should be music , what else he would listen to through his I pod ?

He looked at me and I looked at him but we did not say a word to each other , I sat on a chair little away from him . after five minutes I decided to make a conversation with him , I waved my hand at him , gesturing that I want him to come to me and sit with me , he looked at him , he paused for a second and then he moved from his place and came to me . I was happy that he is guy who don’t talk to any one and he has decided to come to me and talk to me . I introduced myself to him and said that I too work here and its good to have you here in the organization. he smiled , It was a positive response which also encouraged me and decided to talk to him for long. in conversation with him I realized that he was actually a nice guy who is ambitions , nice , kind and passionate. I realized that something must have happened with him in the past which had made him act the way he behaved which in turn make people think that he is wired. it was nice talking to him so I am relived that I had spoken to him and my questions were answered and I was happy that I had got a new friend who was not a friend to anyone but to me he was nothing more than a normal average guy who come to work just like any other person. I left the cafeteria with a smile on my face and leaving him behind smiling too , alone since he decided to stay there alone with no one in his company.

brain3After few days we had an event and it was dance competition along with singing and dj night. it started in the evening and went till wee hours the next morning . it was lot of fun . I also took part in it and danced on Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean . my act was to enact MJ which I did quite good and I got special reward for my performance , of course I was happy and energetic and I danced all night on dj music too like there was no tomorrow. the next day I was in conversation with my colleague who told me about the guy that he saw him crying alone . I asked him why what had happened ? he told me that he went to him and asked him why he was crying the other night, also to inform you that he was not the part of an event the other night since I did not see him on the dance floor as he was again all alone but I did see him watching the event from distance but he did not come close to people and and he did not dance on dj music. this is what I knew but this crying thing my colleague only told the other day in the morning . anyway he said that the guy was crying all alone in the crying and when he asked him why he was crying , he told him that he want’s to be a performer and he wanted to perform in the event just every one did, he wanted to be a part of the group which was dancing on the stage and wanted to dance on dj music, my colleague asked him. why he did not took part in the event as no one had said no to him , he could have given his name and he would have performed. on this question he said that he always feel different from others as he always feel that he is alone and isolated from people. this statement took me further back and it had me wondering that what makes one think like this and feel like this. I decided to go little deep into this matter.

After few weeks of investigation I came to know that he has been alone for most of his life, he was into boarding school and was left alone and separated from his family and that too in all boys school so he hardly had any interaction with girls. also strict rules and regulations at the boarding school took its toll on his body and mind and made him under confidence. he also did not get proper emotional support from his family and was isolated from his family even though he was sharing a same house. he had his own room where he lived in his own world and his own thoughts and never allowed anyone to interfere. he hardly made any friends since and had hardly any contacts in his cell phone. now the situation is such that since he had no one to talk to , he speak to himself now, he creates his own world and likes to live in world and do not allow anyone to enter and share it with anyone. he loves trance music and he only and only listens to trance music and when he listen to this form h dance and he forgets everything , even the place he is at and that’s when he looks abnormal and wired to others since this is something people don’t do.

original artwork    I understand now ,why he is like this . I can understand him but I can not map his brain . I can be with him at times but still can ‘t not make him what he always wanted to be. I can not give his lost time back to him , the time which he always wanted to change , his childhood and his school days and his college days where he always wanted to be a performer but he never got a chance to become one and he decided to make this entire world his enemy. I often think how he feels when he seems lost in his own world. I try to read his mind and try to map his brain , how it works , how it thinks how it behaves and how it makes him dream but to no avail since I am not him ,its only him who knows how his brain works and it shows in his identity which has become what he is now and he takes lot of pride in it. he is indeed brave to form his own identity where he thinks that he is different from other’s , indeed he is different from the rest since he don’t care what the world is thinking about him and what and how this world will behave with him . he makes his own decisions and let others see that how he do things may not advocate others but still he is the man of his own terms and he lives in his own world , the world he created is indeed his own and no one is allowed into it until he finds someone of his kind ,which is rare.